a new chapter - a new villain

I'm having a hard time sitting down to write this post.  I have such a mix of emotions right now.  I'm pissed off.  Sad.  And at the same time, can't help but laugh at the ridiculousness of our situation.

Charlotte has leukemia.


breath.  reread.


ok - did it register.  It still hasn't quite for me. 

how?when?why?   WHAT?
We think this story started February 5 with cold symptoms - coughing/runny nose - typical cold stuff.  February 7th, she had a fever.  February 9th we went to the Dr. at the walk in clinic since she had had fever for 3 days.  Dr. said she looked healthy - just come back if 5 days of fever.  Went to our family Dr. February 12th (still fever).  (She was really really sick this whole week (not vomiting, just the fever - and no energy - if she got out of bed - was only to watch tv for about 30 minutes - then back to bed), not eating, but thankfully drinking).  Our family Dr. said there was a slight cracking in her lung, could be on set of pneumonia, lets do antibiotics to be safe.  Charlotte did look pale (her normal coloring is on the pale side).  Dr. referred to the blood work done (August?) by our pediatrician and said she's not anemic so we went home to start the antibiotics.  Fever finally went down after two days of the antibiotics and she started to get better. 

She never returned to her normal self though.  It being one of the 'worst cold/flu season's' ever, and considering how sick she was the week of fever, we thought it was just taking her longer to recover.  But this past week, she started to regress.  More tired, skin color looked even paler - and pallid.  She didn't even want to play.  So - returned to the Dr. Wednesday - result being some blood work/urine tests and we were to return Saturday.  She did the blood work Thursday at 10:30am.  Our family Dr. called us at 4:30 pm and said Charlotte needs a blood transfusion - go to Childrens Hospital.

So - the 4 of us trekked down to Children's Hospital.  It was a 4 hour wait in the waiting room.  We were in a room within the hour. 

"abnormal blood results"
"when we see this - it's a good indication of leukemia"
"there will be lots of tests done over the next day"

By 10 pm it was confirmed - our little girl has leukemia.  (it wasn't lost on us that it was one year to the day of Stefan's second surgery).

A restless night spent in the er (yes - Nathan was with us).  And the next day (yesterday) we were given a bed in the oncology ward.  She had a lumbar puncture done, some bone marrow and bone taken for testing.  As I type this she is in surgery again to have an internal line put in.  This will be used for future blood work and to administer chemotherapy over the next 2+ years.

She hasn't had the leukemia for long (less then 2 months) - it is not inherited and it is not viral.  The type is Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia (1/3rd of all childhood cancer) - early B cell.  She's on the cusp of standard and high risk due to her white blood cells being greater than 50, but there are other factors which are still being tested.  It's 80-85% curable.  Treatment is 2.5 to 3 years.

I can't tell you how difficult it is to watch my little girl go through this.  It breaks my heart every time she is poked for blood work, or I have to say no for 3 hours to her requests for food and drink before surgery. 

I don't know what the odds are of two family members getting a non-hereditary cancer within 15 months.  Calculating that kind of thing is usually my shtick.  I'm guessing same kind of odds as winning the lottery.

I'm thinking back to every single indiscretion and thing I've done wrong in my life to warrant deserving this.

I'm trying to stay strong - Charlotte needs it. 

And trying to look at the positive.  Since it's such a common cancer, they are very good at treating it.  At least we had a bit of time to recharge our batteries before our next battle.

Charlotte starts her chemo today.  Nathan is at home with family as he has a cold so can't be here.  We will be in Childrens for the next 10 days give or take.  Then home and resuming a somewhat normal life with lots of treks to Childrens over the next couple years.

While I feel we've used our quota of food offers and help offers - I thank everyone for standing up again to offer help.  It's so appreciated knowing the army that stands beside us.

****spoiler alert for those who haven't read book # 2 of hunger games
I'm hunger games obsessed - and I can't help comparing myself to Katniss.  I'm sure this is how she felt when she found out she would have to do the hunger games again.  But we are ready to lead this rebellion!